ETHER RAG #2: MMA FASHION

I’m sorry. I’ll get into my diatribe about MMA fashion in a bit, but I just found a clothing brand called “Jesus Didn’t Tap”, which specifically targets the  Christian MMA fighter demographic. And right now I’m completely mystified with the above graphic. Jesus really has Satan in the mount right now, fully ready to potato evil personified in the face. You think Diablo gives Jesus his back and tests Jesus’ jiujitsu skills? You think Jesus is faking the left hand and is planning to go for the more “peaceful” armbar submission, seeing as Satan has his left arm up for the taking? Either way, Satan finds himself in a very precarious position.

I read a story in the Sacramento Bee yesterday about the growing popularity of “MMA fashion”, and it reminded me of the early 2000′s where skateboarding apparel was very popular among the masses. I think a fair amount of parallels can be drawn between the skateboard fashion phenomenon of the early 2000′s and the current trend of wearing horrifying MMA clothing . For one, each draw inspiration from an activity that, when performed well, requires a vast amount of dedication, skill, and effort. Secondly, both the skateboarding and MMA “lifestyle” are pretty attractive to 30 something burnouts that have little going for them, and these clothing labels play an enabler role to those who wish to live vicariously through their $38 shirts.

Disregard that in months time, these people will come to the harsh realization that they’ll never become a famous skateboarder or Chuck Liddell, and they’ll continue to wallow at community college taking beer bong hits every Saturday at their friend’s house, whose parents have luckilly gone away for the weekend. Then, these douche tarps will reside in the dark recesses of closets across America, and I for one will be satisfied in knowing that these eyesores will no longer be plastered on the backs of the worthless. By then, I’ll have another reason to be mad.

This is a pretty good example of what I’m talking about. Why is everything in the world on that shirt? I guess it’s always a matter of taste when it comes to fashion, but really…can anybody defend that your run of the mill MMA shirt on an aesthetic level is pleasing? Skulls, ornate looking objects, glitter, gold foil,  and random scribbling. Rinse and repeat. Really? That’s what’s hot on the streets? And the funny thing about it is, is that these shirts are supposed to exude toughness. Wearing a gi would scare the shit out of me. Wearing a smedium shirt…not so much. I don’t think “MMA fighter” when I see you at the mall, Mr. Tapout. But I’m pretty sure I’ve seen you on some offender lists in my area. I don’t think there has been a  bigger indicator of “I have a Rohypnol stash” than MMA inspired shirts. Stop already.

ETHER RAG #1

I’m starting a new segment called The Ether Rag, where I completely flog something I think totally sucks. I think it’s only fitting I start with….

THE SUPRA SKYTOP

EASILY the most revolting pieces of footwear I’ve seen in the past couple of years. These are literally the #1 indicator of a complete imbecile at the moment, slightly ahead of racist behavior and Wal-Mart employees. Let’s look at the six laceholes at the top of the shoe – I mean really, is anybody going to lace their shoes that high? What’s the point in having that there? I guess I wouldn’t be surprised if someone tried seeing as anybody who decided to buy this shoe is a grade-A moron. And really, an attempt to mix designer footwear and skateboarding shoe? I see that Lanvin has a hightop out, and Ato Matsumoto has a pretty popular hightop, but mixing high fashion and skateboarding apparel is like having two cousins consummate. Secondly, if you have the gall to buy these, you’re probably a  Lil’ Wayne stan, which to me makes me wonder how much shame you must feel every time you breathe. Negative life points if you’re actually putting the shoe tongue in front of the cuff of your jeans. Real fly, Will Smith from 1994. The illusions that you’re “doin’ it big” all of a sudden because you’ve bought a six-pack of Hanes V-Necks, jeans that are two sizes too small and these monstrosities will sadly be shattered in months time, as these shoes are the equivalent of…

THE OSIRIS D3

Everybody had a pair in High School, including me. And you know what? Everyone is a moron when they’re in High School. There are eight pairs of tangible regret and failure sitting in that picture, and without a shadow of a doubt Supra Skyfails will be that fashion statement that everybody laughs at in years time and will make people question the amount of mind altering substances they consumed during that time period.

To sum it all up – Supra Skytops suck, Lil’ Wayne sucks, Chad Muska & his beats suck and you suck if you own a pair of Supra Skytops.  ETHER RAG TO THE FACE.